For the last two or three months I have found myself not in my usual state of mind. I believe that I have had depression I talked about this many times with my wife and I was looking to go get medical treatment. Over the last month or so I have been able to spend many nights in the mountains and foothills and that has helped out significantly. I believe that I don't need medical treatment as things have shifted in my mind.
I have read a number of books that have brought me some clarity and made me feel better about where I am. But as with personal growth more questions have come to the forefront.
One of the things I have been challenged with is what is my life purpose or purposes. I have contemplated that and have come up with a few items but still do not know for sure what it is. Of the things that I do know my life purpose is, it is very unselfish. One of my life purposes is to make my family the most important thing in my life. To me this is unselfish as I am putting my boys and my wife ahead of me.
This is where I am finding conflict. As I try to rid my life of mediocracy I am getting better at doing this. As I try to pursue mastery I am finding this as a selfish motive. It is about me becoming better than I am but it seems to be focused on me internally. I do understand that if I am better as a person that it should translate to me better for the people around me.
I am truly conflicted with these two concepts. Both should make me a better person but it is the motive that is causing the conflict?
I would really appreciate any feedback on this. If you think I am out to lunch on this tell me. Just looking for some straight thoughts on this.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Monday, July 27, 2015
My Therapist
I spent one day this weekend with my therapist. It was in a group and most voices had their own agenda and characteristics. There was the pessimist guy who could only express negative things. There was the party guy that only had having a good time. There was the confused guy who wasn't sure what was happening at all. There was the focused guy that knew what he wanted and how he was going to get what he wanted. There was the coward who didn't want to deal with anything. There was the adventurer who was not interested in the mundane things in his life and only wanted to pursue new adventures at the expense of everything else. There was the spiritual guy who was interested in a higher level of thought and mastery and how to achieve it.
The problem was all these guys were talking at the same time. It was very confusing because these thoughts were going in separate directions. None of the guys had the same goals. There was a lot of arguing and someone was always trying to win out with their point of view.
The therapist did not say anything, just was there to be a support for all the guys. The point of the session was for one of the guys to convince the others that what he wanted was what was best for all of them. No one voice won out but every time I am in a therapy session the spiritual guy becomes more and more convincing.
The problem was all these guys were talking at the same time. It was very confusing because these thoughts were going in separate directions. None of the guys had the same goals. There was a lot of arguing and someone was always trying to win out with their point of view.
The therapist did not say anything, just was there to be a support for all the guys. The point of the session was for one of the guys to convince the others that what he wanted was what was best for all of them. No one voice won out but every time I am in a therapy session the spiritual guy becomes more and more convincing.
The Therapist
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Why am I at SRKF
About 5 or 6 years ago I was thinking of starting a martial art for conditioning. My thoughts were the discipline of a regular class would be good for me. When I was younger I practiced Judo for a few years but hockey took over and I ended up discontinuing Judo.
I asked my older son if he would like to try a martial arts with me and he said yes. I though this would be a great activity for us both to do outside of the hockey season. I didn't know which Martial Art I wanted to do so I went online and called a few schools. One was Taekwondo, the other was Chinese boxing and Silent river. The phone wasn't answered at any of the schools, so I left a message for each of the schools. The interesting part of it was I only got a call back from one of the schools. It was Silent River Kung Fu. After having a short conversation with Sifu Brinker my son and I joined in April right after hockey season ended. It was interesting that a simple return phone call has brought me to this point.
We trained through the summer and we both earned our yellow belts then hockey started up and my son decided to not continue. I decided to continue as I liked the discipline of working out two times a week. At that point it was simply a hobby for me.
I believe it was the following summer I went to my first boot camp. It was this experience where I saw higher level belts and the effort they were putting into their training; I began to understand what it would take for me to become a martial artist. The mental and the physical aspects of the art now had me hooked. Things changed, I no longer saw Kung Fu as a hobby and saw it as an art. Something that I had to commit to physically and mentally get the most benefit out of the time I spent training.
I asked my older son if he would like to try a martial arts with me and he said yes. I though this would be a great activity for us both to do outside of the hockey season. I didn't know which Martial Art I wanted to do so I went online and called a few schools. One was Taekwondo, the other was Chinese boxing and Silent river. The phone wasn't answered at any of the schools, so I left a message for each of the schools. The interesting part of it was I only got a call back from one of the schools. It was Silent River Kung Fu. After having a short conversation with Sifu Brinker my son and I joined in April right after hockey season ended. It was interesting that a simple return phone call has brought me to this point.
We trained through the summer and we both earned our yellow belts then hockey started up and my son decided to not continue. I decided to continue as I liked the discipline of working out two times a week. At that point it was simply a hobby for me.
I believe it was the following summer I went to my first boot camp. It was this experience where I saw higher level belts and the effort they were putting into their training; I began to understand what it would take for me to become a martial artist. The mental and the physical aspects of the art now had me hooked. Things changed, I no longer saw Kung Fu as a hobby and saw it as an art. Something that I had to commit to physically and mentally get the most benefit out of the time I spent training.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Giving Credit
We don't always give credit where credit is due. A few times a year my wife goes on trips with her friends. She is currently in the Okanagan. That means it is up to me to make sure things go well at home.
It is at these times when she is away that I am reminded of how much she does for our family. When I have to take over and do all the house, acreage and animal chores; it is a lot of work. Put on top of that taking my kid to his job and then getting to mine and ensuring I am getting all my requirements in.
Add on top of that cleaning up from the storm we had last week. We always have a few trees come down and I have to clean that up and usually fix some fences.
I have spent much of my career in positions where I have had to travel.. There have been times when I was gone for long stretches. It is when it is switched around and I am at home that I truly understand the amount of work it takes to keep our place looking as good as it does.
I will definitely have to say a special "Thank You" when she gets home.
It is at these times when she is away that I am reminded of how much she does for our family. When I have to take over and do all the house, acreage and animal chores; it is a lot of work. Put on top of that taking my kid to his job and then getting to mine and ensuring I am getting all my requirements in.
Add on top of that cleaning up from the storm we had last week. We always have a few trees come down and I have to clean that up and usually fix some fences.
I have spent much of my career in positions where I have had to travel.. There have been times when I was gone for long stretches. It is when it is switched around and I am at home that I truly understand the amount of work it takes to keep our place looking as good as it does.
I will definitely have to say a special "Thank You" when she gets home.
Monday, July 13, 2015
My Old Man
I wrote this a number of months back and it was more for me than anything. But I thought I would post it as I see some healing for myself in making this public.
I have been struggling with the loss of my Dad. He passed away last year at he beginning of June. My dad and I had a great relationship from the time I was a kid. I can't ever recall us ever having a harsh word between us. I was not able to spend much time with him in the last few years of his life but was able to spend a significant amount of time with him in his last 8 months.
We got to spend a lot of time talking about my kids, growing up in the mountains, hiking, fishing and all the things I was able to do as a kid. My dad taught me how to take care of myself and be reliant on myself in the bush. He was so confidant in my abilities that he allowed me to go back packing on my own when I was 12 years old. I asked if I could head up the Moose River to go fishing and he told me ok. He drove me out of town about 30 km to the start of the Moose and said he would be back in 4 days. Now a day's it would be unheard of to allow a 12 year old to go out in the bush on his own. I have taught my kids the lessons my Dad taught me, I have confidence in their abilities but I still would not feel comfortable in allowing them to do a trip like that on their own. My Dad told me that his Dad was letting him do trips on his own in the fourties when he was 8 and 9 in Northern Ontario.
That self reliance has translated into my adult life and I have always taken pride in my ability to take care of myself and eventually my family. It is tough for most everyone when they lose a parent. I continued to do fishing trips with my dad as an adult. Some of my best memories as an adult are me and him on a hot train in the middle of the summer going from Edmonton to Sioux Lookout in northern Ontario. Then spending 3 or 4 days fishing from sun up till sun down.
Being able to learn from my Dad and spend time with him has kept me very humble over the years. A simple camp fire can be an amazing way to spend a few hours and keep one grounded and focused on what truly is important in life. Ones relationships with other people are what is important.
I have been struggling with the loss of my Dad. He passed away last year at he beginning of June. My dad and I had a great relationship from the time I was a kid. I can't ever recall us ever having a harsh word between us. I was not able to spend much time with him in the last few years of his life but was able to spend a significant amount of time with him in his last 8 months.
We got to spend a lot of time talking about my kids, growing up in the mountains, hiking, fishing and all the things I was able to do as a kid. My dad taught me how to take care of myself and be reliant on myself in the bush. He was so confidant in my abilities that he allowed me to go back packing on my own when I was 12 years old. I asked if I could head up the Moose River to go fishing and he told me ok. He drove me out of town about 30 km to the start of the Moose and said he would be back in 4 days. Now a day's it would be unheard of to allow a 12 year old to go out in the bush on his own. I have taught my kids the lessons my Dad taught me, I have confidence in their abilities but I still would not feel comfortable in allowing them to do a trip like that on their own. My Dad told me that his Dad was letting him do trips on his own in the fourties when he was 8 and 9 in Northern Ontario.
That self reliance has translated into my adult life and I have always taken pride in my ability to take care of myself and eventually my family. It is tough for most everyone when they lose a parent. I continued to do fishing trips with my dad as an adult. Some of my best memories as an adult are me and him on a hot train in the middle of the summer going from Edmonton to Sioux Lookout in northern Ontario. Then spending 3 or 4 days fishing from sun up till sun down.
Being able to learn from my Dad and spend time with him has kept me very humble over the years. A simple camp fire can be an amazing way to spend a few hours and keep one grounded and focused on what truly is important in life. Ones relationships with other people are what is important.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Simple Message
I read a blog about 4 months ago that has stuck with me because of its intense but simple message. The lady who wrote the blog has been living in Hawaii for the last 10 years. I havn't been able to get her message out of my head. She very graciously discussed a change in the way she has began to live and has simplified the message into 5 thoughts:
Slow Down
Flow with Nature
Care for one Another
Live with Less
Work to live, Don't Live to Work
Slow Down
Flow with Nature
Care for one Another
Live with Less
Work to live, Don't Live to Work
For me this message is something that I have began to embrace in my own life.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Candy Crush
We live in an age where we are constantly able to communicate instantaneously and over long distances. Many times this is a blessing and other times not so much. I am one of those people that try to plan some of my time off in places where there is no communication. I do this because my work requires me to be available almost all the time. I don't mind as I choose this career and it is part of the deal.
I had to share this as my son sent this too me and is a good reminder that we shouldn't stay plugged in all the time.
I had to share this as my son sent this too me and is a good reminder that we shouldn't stay plugged in all the time.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Decisions
As I look out over the world tonight I find myself looking inward and wondering why am I here. A multitude of decisions I have made in my lifetime have got me to this very time, where I am sitting at this exact spot, at this point in time.
The question comes up: have all these decisions been the right ones? If I had made different decisions would I be in a place that is better or more enjoyable for myself?
These are all great questions but then I shake my head. I am thinking in the past. I need to be in the present and focus on that. This is where I will gain the most out of life.
The question comes up: have all these decisions been the right ones? If I had made different decisions would I be in a place that is better or more enjoyable for myself?
These are all great questions but then I shake my head. I am thinking in the past. I need to be in the present and focus on that. This is where I will gain the most out of life.
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